“Dad, do you wish you were gay?
It was December 5th, 2023 when our oldest came home from school asking Heather, “What does gay mean?” as he heard that word from someone on the bus ride home. They proceeded to complete their daily homework, and she answered his question by saying it is a term that talks about two men who love each other like how Dad and I do. That simple explanation seemed to satisfy his curiosity. Later that night, I set out to fill up our van with gas before my morning doctor’s appointment. My 8-year-old asked if he could tag along with me. I welcomed the company and we jumped into the van. Once we sat down and were about to start the van, he said, “Dad, I have a question. Do you wish you were gay?” Up to this point, Heather and I have not been able to catch up on the conversations that happened earlier that day. We also have not told our kids about me being gay as we thought we would tell them when they were all older. To say I was stunned and frozen is an understatement. I responded, “Hold that thought, I left something in the house.” I ran inside, my heart racing, and found Heather where I said, “He has asked me if I wish I was gay… how do I respond to this?” She froze for a moment realizing this might be related to his earlier questions and then said, “Tell him the truth and you got this.”
I got back into the van and as we pulled out of the driveway, he asked the question again. Taking a deep breath, I asked him, “Well how would you feel if I was?” My goal was to gauge where he was coming from and what he thought before opening up more. He said, “Well, I think it would be cool but if you were gay that would mean I would not exist cause you would need to be married to a man.” Recognizing the need for reassurance, we continued our drive, where we sat in front of our favorite “house of lights”. Soaking in the joy of the light show, I responded, “So, back to your first question, Do I wish I was gay?” Well, I am gay.” He sat in silence for a moment. He responded, “Cool but… why are you not married to a man?” I was relieved by his calm presence but still heart racing as I found it terrifying sharing this part of my life with someone I have watched, and raised since the moment he took his first breath.
Responding to his question drove me to share how a religious/church belief put me into a box of what they thought was wrong and marrying a man was one of them. He then said, “Why would the church believe that?” Not ready to dig into that whole belief system, I tried to change the topic by reassuring him that he is still very much loved by me and Heather even when I am gay.
Being his curious self, we talked about various topics before he asked, “So, can I tell the younger siblings that you are gay?” I said, “No, not right now.” Heather and I want to find the best way to talk about it with them. The following day, however, at the bus stop, excitement got the better of him, and he eagerly said, “Dad is gay!” Amid giggles, Heather was able to take control of the conversation before the bus came and remind them that we don’t want to joke about that or go telling everybody as it is Dad’s journey to tell. I was at an early morning doctor’s appointment so later at dinner, we were able to open up and answer their questions. It lasted two minutes before Minecraft and other topics arose with excitement.
I feel like every December is when hard conversations and changes happen. I came out in December of 2021, my lifelong beliefs started to shift more in December of 2022, and now having these conversations with my kids in December of 2023. It is a lot but it has given us a foundation to build on for any future conversations. Heather and I have adopted the challenge of getting one-on-one time with each of the kids and asking them, “Is there anything you want to talk about?” This has opened up a space for them to share anything they want and know they have our undivided attention. It has been rewarding to learn from them about what they learn or the challenges they face with friends or school. I recently learned that my oldest made a new friend at school who is hard of hearing and wears hearing aids. He said, “I told my new friend that my dad has cochlear implants, and instantly became best friends.” It is these moments I am grateful for the kindness and love they are learning to show.
Reflecting on the experience, I realized that children, with their inherent capacity for love, responded with acceptance. Their questions were out of genuine curiosity, demonstrating the ability to embrace diversity without judgment.
